my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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