Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
