Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Randomize
