Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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