we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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