I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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