Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
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