I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
there's paper in my vomit.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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