I think my vagina is haunted
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
