theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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