You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
