i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
