:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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