her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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