i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
