Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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