so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
