That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
