i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
