your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym