never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.