worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
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just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
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