The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
