Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Boobs speak an international language.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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