you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
