we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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