At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
