I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
