Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
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