my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
