"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
