she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
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My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
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So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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