I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
