i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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