She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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