You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
