I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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