it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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