Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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