i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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