Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
