I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
