Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
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