Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
