So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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