sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
