I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
