You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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