I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
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