Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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