you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
