so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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