Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
