We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
