If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
