i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
