It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.