I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
