Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
